The 'Cactus Kid' Every Coach Has (And Nobody Trains For)

Every roster has a cactus kid. Most coaches never get trained for her. Learn more culture tips here, coach → https://champions.elitecompetitor.com

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⏰ Key Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction: The Gift of Strong-Willed Kids
01:13 Meet Wendy Snyder & Fresh Start Family
03:05 Traits of Strong-Willed Kids & Future Leaders
06:06 Coaching Cactus Kids: Earning Respect
07:03 Handling Intensity Without Disrespect
09:44 Teaching Peaceful Conflict Resolution & Win-Win
12:54 Detachment & Handling Different Personalities
13:25 Team Conversations & Detachment Skills
16:27 Reframing Complaints as Requests
21:16 Closing Thoughts & Where to Find Wendy

👋🏼 I'm Coach Bre — a mental performance coach for girl athletes, Co-Founder of The Elite Competitor, and a long-time head volleyball coach and 4-time state champion.

🎙 Joined this episode by Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator, family life coach, and founder of Fresh Start Family.

Coaches, you already know the player. Intense, competitive, hard to read, and probably one of the best athletes on your roster.

This episode breaks down how to coach that intensity without letting it slide into disrespect, and how to run a team conversation about it without shaming the kid who brought the energy in the first place.

What You'll Learn:
✅ The difference between competitive intensity and actual disrespect, and why coaches confuse the two
✅ A simple script for peaceful conflict resolution you can use with any two players who are clashing
✅ Why "behind every complaint is a request" changes how you respond to a player who's venting
✅ How to hold a team meeting about one player's impact without making her feel like the problem
✅ When to loop a parent in versus letting the athlete handle the conflict herself

💬 Coaches — comment below: What's your go-to move when one intense player is creating friction with the rest of the team?

P.S. A few stats worth knowing:
⚡️Conflict communication patterns accounted for 40% of the variance in team cohesion among competitive youth athletes (McLaren & Spink, International Journal of Sport Communication, 2020)
⚡️Managing parents ranked among the top reasons coaches considered leaving the profession, per a national survey of 3,470 coaches (U.S. Center for SafeSport, 2026)
⚡️More than 40% of sports officials surveyed cited unruly parent conduct as the biggest threat to their job satisfaction (National Association of Sports Officials, 2023)

The Coach Her Game YouTube channel is hosted by The Elite Competitor and is dedicated to helping coaches of girl athletes strengthen their mental game and team culture in order to develop a competitive edge.

#coachhergame #mentalperformance #coachinggirls #teamculture #youthathletics

Head to coachfreetraining.com to grab our free training for coaches to quickly level-up your team's mental game!

Transcript

1:04

Parents and coaches, if you have ever raised or coached a strong-willed kid, this episode is for you. These kids are amazing. What makes them amazing also can bring an edge that can be difficult in parenting, difficult in coaching. And speaking from a coach and a parent who has experienced both, I am thrilled to bring you our guest today on the podcast, Wendy Snyder. So she's a positive parenting educator and family life coach this episode is a great one for both parents and coaches, 'cause parents, you're going to learn how to parent your strong-willed kid in a way that helps them thrive, right? Wendy also has raised a Division 1 beach volleyball player who, she calls a cactus kid. You're gonna learn exactly what that means inside the episode. And from the coach perspective, I gained a ton of insight when... you have, as coaches, those players that are intense, competitive, driven, and can sometimes be hard to have on a team. And you've got to create strong boundaries, you have to have good conflict resolution skills as a coach, and sometimes we don't. Wendy helps us with all of that in today's episode. So enjoy, parents, coaches. I know that you will love my conversation with Wendy as much as I did. All right. Welcome, Wendy, to the podcast. Coach Bre, thank you for having me. I am so excited to have this conversation today. I am too. As I've dove more into your work, I am getting excited because we have moms and coaches that are listening who are really gonna resonate with some of what you will share today about this, this idea of a cactus kid, before we get any further, can you just define for us what cactus kids are? You have this certain- Yeah definition that you use. So walk us through what this actually means. What, what is it? Yeah. So it's kind of just my fun way of saying strong-willed child. My friend, Mary, who's also a parenting educator, she calls them spicy kids. Everyone kind of has their own twist on it. But being that I'm a Southern California mama, and the only thing that I have in my yards is succulents because they're like- Right you just, they're amazing, right? They don't require the same thing as flowers, but they're very unique, right? So we have a lot of cacti in Southern California. And they're so beautiful. Cacti are so- Mm beautiful. But they will bloody you, and you will get hurt working with them if you don't have the proper gloves on, and if you don't know what type of soil to put them in. If you overwater them and put them in the dark, they will not thrive, right? So when I look at strong-willed kids, I kind of see them as this amazing, again, very edgy, right? And a lot of parents who don't necessarily embark on the learning journey to learn how to work with them, they end up getting hurt. They end up being miserable. They end up, I think, transferring shame onto their kid because it's just, a whole special thing to learn how to work with them, how to not get offended by the looks they give you or the meltdowns they have when they lose or, um, the extreme competitiveness that so many have. some of the traits that we would say a strong-willed child has, and, and let me say this too is, before I go through the traits is, I think as children are developing from age zero to 18, there's the classic strong-willed kid who really just, it's part of their natural God-given design. But there's kids that are born with a strong will, and then there are kids that go through power surges of life, so power surge stages. So usually that's between two and six, and then the tween and teen years, and that is when they're going to go hard at independence, autonomy, challenging the boundaries and the status quo. But the true power kid, they pretty much live in it all the freaking time. Yeah. And so some of the traits of these type of kids are they're also, they're often incredibly determined and persistent. They often come across as, defiant. They might challenge the rules a lot. They're the question askers. They're often insanely competitive. A lot of these kids literally, like Stella could not play a board game until she was like- eight years old. And they're often, very sensitive. Like, often they can have, really high highs when it comes to their emotions and really low lows when it comes to their emotion. Even physically- Mm-hmm they can be really sensitive. Those are just some of the descriptors. But what's so cool about these descriptors for strong-willed kids is, when we say those things about a child, we might think that it's negative, right? Like- Mm-hmm gutsy, determined, stubborn, all these type of things. But when you look at some of the world's greatest leaders, when you look at some of the world's greatest coaches and athletes and underdog stories, you will see that a lot of times they have the same traits. But once they become a champion or a world famous coach or a leader, right? Like I always say, some of my greatest examples, of heroes for me is Martin Luther King Jr., Malala Yousafzai, Steph Curry of the Warriors. But you see they have the same traits, but we describe them as positive, whereas with- Yeah the child we describe them as negative. But they really are- Mm-hmm the same So I think the goal is to see it from a young age as a blessing versus a curse and, and just be willing to go on the adventure of, often what includes healing yourself so you're not so reactive to them, and instead just able to, help them develop the things they need to develop, right? 'Cause a strong-willed child, they often need to develop a little bit more soft- softness and patience and compassion. Yeah. Whereas the non-strong-willed child, they just... they have other things they have to develop, right? I have coached- Plenty. Uh, I wouldn't say plenty, a handful, 'cause they- Yeah you know when you have them. That's why I want you to also speak to the coaches because coaches can often find these kids really hard to deal with and label them as, like, the problem- Mm-hmm problem kids that, you know, there's, there's just so much. I mean, once they hit high school, if they're, having defiance with a coach or like not taking direction well, I think it's just another opportunity for the coaches to see it as an opportunity to teach versus a threat or defiance, right? I think the best coaches know that is a gift, and you wanna harness that, like that ability to believe in your own voice and to be able to Really, think that you know the best way to hit the ball. That's a great gift, and we use the word a lot and, A-N-D. And here's what I need you to do in order to stay on the court training with me. I need to feel like I'm able to coach you, you take direction, and you apply the coaching, right? I think the more a coach can just feel like it's not a four-alarm fire, but they need to address, right, the defiance in a child. Mm-hmm. I think the more that child will respect the coach. the cactus kiddos that I have coached, first of all, have been the ones, like you said, to go on to play Division I highest level. Mm. Like they are the ones. And- That's interesting, yeah but, isn't it, right? And, the things that come up that are challenging, a little bit as a coach is the other teammate, her, their teammates will come to me and say that it's very challenging to play with this person because- Yeah they are so intense. I feel like I can't mess up 'cause they're gonna yell at me, because they have this high standard of competitiveness and they, a high standard of excellence. The complaining, arguing with the ref. And I'm like, every time that they do this, they are right. You know, like Yeah but they're actually justified- Yep in what they're, you know, but it, it comes out. So then they make enemies with refs. And now they're like, "Okay, we've got this player," and, um, you know, very high highs, low lows. Then when I chat with the player, I've had several, and we've had great relationships and, you know, we've had boundary standards. I'm tough on them and, we also have to leave space for like, you've got a lot of emotions going on. They'll say things- Yeah like, "I just care so much, and I'm being super hard on myself. Like I'm mad at myself," and then it comes out. As a coach, how do we make sure that we meet them where they're at and support them? There can be, immense caring and competitiveness and intensity without disrespect. Once you cross over to the disrespect land, that's a behavioral issue that needs to be coached and taught. And what I have witnessed is there is a difference in the kids that have been taught How to, approach conflict with respect and kids who have not been taught that. So for example, in the beach volleyball world, if someone is challenging a ref and they roll their eyes or they talk- Mm. Like, um, we've had a situation where actually one of her college coaches was running a clinic, and the girls didn't like the way that he was, like, rushing them to get on the court. And so they started... And these are, like, high-level athletes that are going to top, top schools, and their fathers were there. And they started talking smack about this major coach as he turned away and walked away. That's an example, I don't care how competitive you are, not acceptable. Mm-hmm. That is where you start to create enemies. An athlete that just challenges the ref, they're not gonna create enemies. A ref might be like, "Damn, those... Yeah, those kids," like They're gonna expect him when they come on the court if, if they're always gonna see him, but they're not gonna feel disrespected by him. So again, the opportunity is to teach how do you, how do you combat conflict without being disrespectful? And that is a huge part of what we teach here at Fresh Start Family, is the ability to have peaceful conflict resolution. To be able to communicate and say like if you... Say you have a team, right? If you were, I th- you know, you have indoor volleyball history, I have beach, so there's just two of them. But if you have a team who a few people are saying like, "Hey, we're having trouble working with this person," as uncomfortable as it is, you gotta get the team together and just say, "Hey, this is not..." Or have one-on-one conversations where you bring the kids together and teach them peaceful conflict resolution. So in our world, the way we teach it, and again, it starts in the home and then it radiates out into the sports world, is, win-wins are simply I feel I want, how are we gonna make this work so we both win? Mm-hmm. My daughter had a partner where she tried to come at her and say, "Hey, let's work this out," and the kid was like, "I'm not interested." Mm. And she walked away. But if she would've been interested, they could've sat down, and she would've said something like this I feel hurt when we lose a game, and it feels like you give me the silent treatment afterwards, and it's really intense to handle it. And I feel like our game goes downhill once the attitude like that comes into our dynamic. What I want is for us to have grace and compassion with each other and learn from our mistakes and whatever. Something like this, right? And then the other kid has an opportunity to go and say, "Okay. Well, I feel frustrated," whatever, "and what I want is for you to not be as affected from that because that's just who I am." The person gets to say, "What I want is for you to be able to detach a little bit from my intensity," right? Like, I'm not trying to be mean. So win-win, that's what win-win looks like. And as, as uncomfortable as it is, you get kids talking, but you do it in a way where you're not disrespecting people. And then as a coach or as a parent, you see where the actual problem is happening, and then you learn how to work with the kid in a way that doesn't induce shame, right? So it's like you're not in trouble. This is the blessing of a competitive strong will, and this comes along with an edge that with your personality, this is just par for the game, right? I'm really glad you delineated that too, because I also find that some of these athletes who maybe haven't played with somebody who's intense can sometimes take it at just the intensity and competitiveness as disrespectful. Mm. And that's where, like, the coach also, it needs to look at this with a lens of, like, is this just something new? Like, this is a new way of interacting with a teammate who has a different disposition than you, or is it that there's disrespect happening? So I think that is- Yeah a good distinction. And what can you do to be able to a- um, to develop detachment skills is such a gift, right? When you learn to, have your own self-confidence, detach from someone's exhales or their inability to, high-five you. Like, in the beach volleyball world, everything is very like high-five, positive. Yep. And if someone's, like, a little more stone-faced, it, detachment is just a beautiful skill to build because not everything is about you, you know? Yes. I love that. That is actually a mental training skill we teach our athlete- Oh, nice in the program on, like, teammate dynamics. That's different than disassociation, but yes, it's just- True detachment Yeah Like, I'm detaching, like, my feelings about myself from somebody else's actions. And that's great for, like, coaching too if you got tough coaches. Um, I did wanna ask- how do you have a conversation as a team without making the cactus kid feel like something is wrong with them? Be like, "We're calling this meeting because there is"- Yeah "uh, something wrong." Yes. We're gonna do this. Exactly. Yeah, I think in the team dynamic, it is definitely, it's, it's harder to, to do that, right? And so I think you would wanna just schedule like a few one-on-ones with that person. I think that would be probably the way to do it, where, you know, usually let's say like you guys have, I don't know, do you have like 15 team members? Usually there's, if there's someone that is like coming across like that, there's three or four that are the most vocal. Those are the ones- Mm-hmm that you wanna go ahead and schedule the meeting. Like, I look back to that season with this one partner that nev- didn't work out, and I wish the coaches would've kind of forced a meeting, right? Like, they left it up to the kids, which is, which is great, but back then, you know, my, um, my daughter was, um, 9th or 10th grade, I think it might have been 9th grade. It was just too much to ask for them- Yeah to do on their own. But if it would've been kind of, uh, required, 'cause it's such a blessing for the kid that is bringing it up, right? And- They get to, they get to use their voice. And often, you know, a lot of the kids that are silent, they just don't have the same ability to, to be courageous and raise the red flag that something is hurting the team dynamic. So it is, it is really helpful for a kid to be like, "I wanna talk about this. This seems like it's..." You know? And but to be able to say it in the presence of someone without being disrespectful, because that kid who brought it up might learn something too, right? They might learn if they actually listen to the more strong-willed kid or the kid that's, like, being a little bit more intense. And it's just such a gift. That's one of my favorite thing about sports is the ability to work through stuff, right? To work through disappointments and seeing things from a different angle. But the coach definitely needs to be well-trained on peaceful conflict resolution before they hold that meeting, right? You wanna understand what a win-win is to be able to coach. And the big thing there that I want the coaches to hear is s- a kid will usually start going down the negative route. So they'll be like, "Well, I feel angry when you don't listen to me, and I want you to stop rolling your eyes and not listening to me." And the redo of that is ask for what you want. So, "I feel angry when it feels like you don't listen to me, when I've asked you to set me in this way," "and what I want for you is to just, say, 'I hear you, and I'll keep trying'" or something, right? Like, or, "I want you to set me closer to the net, and not be offended when I ask you again to do that." Right? Or to... The opposite of not be offended would be, um, to be able to see that as healthy communication. So the coach's job, in my, my opinion, is to help the player reframe it as what they want versus what they don't want. That is always gonna come across better to someone who's involved in that win-win or peaceful conflict resolution. It's gonna come across better. And the... Also, one of the, the greatest things that I like to recommend is to remember that behind every complaint is a request. That's all it is. It's just a request. So just going on with the, "You don't set me tight enough" complaint, the request is that you Set sooner or set closer, whatever it may be, right? Yeah. So to, to train athletes like... And this is the same in parenting, right? That's why it's, it all comes together, is if a parent is- Yeah constantly telling their kid what they don't want, "Don't touch that. Um, stop yelling. Stop hitting your sister. Um, stop talking to me like that," it- Mm-hmm it's just like this very combative relationship. Whereas when a parent learns to start asking for what they want, a lot of times children respond a lot better. And it's the same thing when you're in a room with two people who are having a struggle in their relationship. It's so interesting when we talk about this when it comes to coaching, like how much of coaching is this relationship- Oh, yeah dynamics, conflict resolution, all of those things that coaches are like, "I know how to coach a 5-1 offense. I'm really good at setting, and I can do all this." Yeah. It's like, okay, how are you with all of this? The win-win was, um, I feel, I want. Yep. How are we gonna make this work so we both win? That's good. I just want coaches to hear that. What are, like, red flags when it comes to coaches and how they might be, I c- for lack of a better term, like, handling your cactus kid? There's so much detachment when it comes to parenting and raising athletes, right? Like, there really is. Mm-hmm. And of course, there's a fine line, right? If it's o- hap- something's happening over and over and over again, it's time to find the courage to have a meeting with the coach and say, "Hey, I notice that there's often this type of communication that's used. In our home, we just don't correct behavior like that," or, "We don't, we see mistakes as opportunities to learn, and I'm having trouble metabolizing what I'm hearing. Can you help me understand what's going on? Are you open to trying some different ways of communicating with my kid, or disciplining," or whatever it may be. I remember when Saylor was really young, she was playing and one of her favorite coaches of all time now, this is years later. Yeah. But the ball came and hit her in the back of the head, and it, knocked off her glasses and he was like, "You were in the wrong spot." And I'll never forget this day. She was like, "I'm so annoyed. He made me run laps and then do push-ups." I mean, she was little. I feel like she was eighth or ninth grade. Wow. And she was just like, "I'm so mad," right? And then as time went on, he ended up becoming one of her favorite coaches, 'cause she's always kind of enjoyed the kind of intense coaches a little bit more than the, like, softies, so to speak. Um, which- Yeah is funny 'cause, yeah, again, strong-willed kids, they just, they will really respect someone if they earn their respect. And he's gone on. He now coaches pro and all the things. Point being is, if I would've stepped in and said something, eh, you know- Mm it didn't need to happen. I think when parents step in, quite often, it, um, disempowers the child, and it's a little bit of helicopter parent- parenting when part of a child learning to handle their own conflicts comes in you not fixing everything for them and teaching a child how to call their own meeting. But definitely, if there is real, like, inappropriateness, find the courage to, to bring it up. I say it's kind of hard to know the difference, but you- I, as, as moms, I feel like we, we can also trust our gut a lot. And that too, it's always better. I loved your framework of, can you help me understand, like this curiosity versus like accusations- Yeah was a great way to start that. True. But yeah, I always just remember, like with some of these kids that I coached, I'm like, I never wanna dim their light. I never wanna take away their spark in this whole process, and that is sometimes hard as coaches 'cause you're like, well, I don't wanna let them have free rein. Because you're right, they do better with structure, and this is such a beautiful part of them that makes them who they are, and I don't ever wanna take that away or make them feel like they should feel bad about this. A lot of it is just that language. You have so many strengths as, um- Mm-hmm an intense or strong-willed player. Like this is part of your magic. This makes you who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. And these are the things that we have to work on in order to- Yeah be part of a team, or in order to be able to be allowed to step foot on the court. A lot of times it comes down to strong boundaries, which is where compassionate discipline comes in. And, um, you gotta work on it if you wanna be part of this team, and there's nothing wrong with you. Yeah, I love that. Okay, Wendy, this was great. Learned a lot as a parent, as a coach. Can you please let our listeners know where they can find more about you, mention your book again, all those good things? Yes. Yes. Thank you so much. So Fresh Start Your Family is available anywhere books are sold, and, uh, once you do get the book, it's just $22 right now. It's actually on sale on Amazon for 18% off, but Amazon- Oh, great does, like, random sales here and there. Whenever this comes out, you can check. Um, and then once you order, come over to our book page, freshstartfamilyonline.com/book, 'cause we have some great bonuses that we're offering families who order the book. Come find me on Instagram. I'm @freshstartwendy. And then we do have a podcast called The Fresh Start Family Show where Terry and I have, my husband and I, um, and we- we've interviewed a gazillion authors and experts over the years in the powerful parenting world. But Terry and I have done so many episodes. If we have 350 episodes, him and I have probably done maybe, like, almost 200 together- Wow where we just talk fully about, um, our own family dynamics and what it's like to raise a strong-willed child, especially a strong-willed child into this season of reaching their dreams and accomplishing, um, you know, this huge recruiting feat that less than 1% of high school athletes attain to play Division I in college. It's a pretty cool stat. So come listen to the podcast, The Fresh Start Family Show. And then last thing I will say is if you wanna just dive in, um, get in the classroom with me. If you do have a strong-willed child and you're like, "I wanna learn these strategies. How do you actually put these to play into real life?" I do offer an interactive free workshop called Three Secrets to Thriving with Strong-Willed Kids, and that's freshstartfamilyonline.com/secrets. Awesome. Okay. Well, I'll link all of that. Thank you. Um, but thank you, Wendy, so much for sharing so generously with our community. I really loved having you on. I loved being here. This was such a great conversation. Thank you for the work that you do. Um, it is really important, and, um, just grateful to be here.